April Fools
by EvaH2Os
Summary: He was always amused how everyone thought he hated the holidays. Sure he never liked Christmas or Thanksgiving, but there was one holiday he loved. In fact, he spent a lot of time planing for this one." It's April Fool's Day and no one is safe.
1. Chapter 1

"The grinch is in," Cuddy greeted House in front of his office. He ignored her and walked through the glass doors to see his team waiting for him.

"House," Cuddy whined.

"Sorry, didn't see you there, and you are aware that its march." House said with a smile as he returned to the hallway.

"Its not just a seasonal nickname, you must be excited for April's showers, and you heard me but didn't see me?" Cuddy said listing off everything that came to her mind.

"Yup, I'll go talk to my team about it. Maybe they can help," House said with a pout.

"House, it's been a full week and you haven't taken on a patient." Caddy said crossing her arms.

"I've been busy." House answered dryly.

"Playing with your thumbs, because you certainly haven't been in the clinic." Cuddy responded.

"I'll take a patient by the end of the day," House promised. With a smile Cuddy walked away.

"Taub, Kutner go do my clinic duty." House ordered without a hello to his team. Obediently, they marched off. House smiled to himself at how well he'd trained them into subservient little doctors. He wondered if he could order Thirteen to get his dry cleaning.

"What about us?" Foreman asked.

"Don't you have trials to run?" House asked with a roll of his eyes.

"Not right now." Foreman answered.

"In that case, Rueben." House said throwing a ten-dollar bill at him.

"It's ten in the morning." Thirteen scoffed.

"Need my protein, it's going to be a busy day." House said leaving her at the table as he entered his office.

House always found it amusing how people assumed that he hated holidays. Sure, he hated Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, but he loved April Fools Day. While on an ordinary day he enjoyed his pranks and just generally annoying people, April 1st was the day that he took joy in planning, and this year would be special. Everything seemed to be lining up perfectly. Cuddy had a board meeting tomorrow, Cameron had the day off today and was due for her period tomorrow, Chase only had two morning surgeries, Foreman was Foreman, and Wilson was scheduled to get a shipment of medical marijuana. Everyone else, he'd have to manipulate into his plans.

April 1st was just one day away, and he'd already begun to set his plans in motion. He had eight people he needed to tick off: Cuddy, Wilson, Foreman, Chase, Cameron, Taub, Kutner, and Thirteen. He had already set his plans in motion to annoy Foreman, Cameron, and Chase. He had to cross the ducklings off the list first.

For Foreman he would do nothing. He knew Foreman would be waiting for it, especially after seeing a pissed off Cameron and Chase, so he would do nothing. The paranoia and frustration would get Foreman better than any prank could.

For Cameron, he had snuck into her locker to subtly change things around. She wasn't in today, so she'd see bright and early to see that House had switched her Medical Journals with a copy of Penthouse and Playboy. He'd also taken pleasure in switching her small scrubs with extra large ones, and emptying her box of tampons and replacing them with adult diapers.

And for Chase, he'd switched the charts on his hysterectomy and testicular cancer operations for tomorrow. He'd also bribed a nurse to assign him only bowel restrictions after his first surgery, and to page him to do every enema for the next week.

House also knew what he would to Cuddy. Tonight he's sneak onto her computer and alter her desktop, send out a mass email, and maybe put some of her Hawaiian vacation photos into her slideshow for the board meeting to take place tomorrow night.

Now, all he had to do was convince Thirteen to help him with his biggest prank and tomorrow would be all set up.

"Should I just go home?" Thirteen asked appearing in House's doorframe.

"Actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about." House started. He would need to do some serious manipulation, and Thirteen was a tough opponent.

"Yeah?" she said looking mildly concerned.

"There's been a sexual harassment filed against you. Taub says you've been trying to grope him." House said with a perfectly straight face. Thirteen gave him an odd look.

"Would you like to get him back?" House offered hoping she'd take the bait.

"What are you getting at?" Thirteen said putting a hand on her hip. She'd seen through his ploy.

"Tomorrows April fool's day, and I can offer you amnesty if you help me out." House said bluntly.

"What would I have to do?" she asked smiling slightly. House gave her a smile pack not expecting her to be so keen about joining his plans, and of course he was happy that she'd bought his lie about amnesty. No one was safe on April 1st.

"I want to admit you, unknown illness, high fever, headache, rash," House started. Thirteen nodded.

"You'll get worse tomorrow, and you'll think you're dying. I'll bring in Taub, Kutner, Wilson and basically any one else I feel like bringing in. You'll need to manipulate a kiss good bye. Then I'll casually invite them all to a differential where I mention that I noticed the rash around your mouth was different from the one on your neck and you tested positive for Herpes." House finished.

"Okay," Thirteen agreed.

"Seriously?" House asked. He had been prepared to offer her a few days of vacation or even a better parking spot.

"Now, how are you going to make me appear sick, and what happens when they 'diagnose me'?" Thirteen asks.

"Make up, and lying. Then we'll throw in some random symptoms to throw people off. I'll throw some blood into your catheter." He shrugged.

"I'm not letting you actually give me a catheter or a real central line." Thirteen said sitting down on his couch.

"Even better, no urine, and I'll only give you saline." House tried.

"I want something in return for the saline." She said biting her lip. House nodded.

"No doing your clinic hours for the next month, assign it to one of the boys, and make someone else make the coffee from now on." She said.

"Done," House nodded, "and no enemas or stool sampling for the rest of my fellowship."

"Deal," House said rummaging through his desk drawer. He stood up and moved to sit on the couch next to Thirteen. Pulling out his Halloween (another holiday he didn't hate) effects kit he began to apply bumps to Thirteen's face.

"Any chance you're allergic to anything?" House asked his hand growing tired by the time he got down to her neck.

"Did you honestly not read my file?" she asked. He shook his head.

"Rabbits and chocolate." She answered.

"You're allergic to chocolate?" House asked. She nodded.

"I feel like its some rule that all female have to love chocolate." House mused to himself.

"Well, I hat hives more than I love chocolate." Thirteen answered.

"How bad are these hives" House asked. Thirteen shook her head.

"Come on, it would save me almost an hour of make up work." House pleaded.

"And you'll be under doctor care." House continued.

"I'll give you ten percent of Kutner, Foreman, and Taub's next bonus', and I mean you're pretty much getting today and tomorrow off." House said. A smile curled on to Thirteen's lips.

"I'll be right back." House said exiting the office. He came back moments later with a Hershey's bar from the vending machine down the hall. Tossing it to Thirteen she took a bite, and set the bar down.

"Take a few more." House prodded.

"Give it a minute." She replied annoyed, but soon her neck and hands began turning red.

"I want anti itch meds." She added.

"Done, now look all tired like you just passed out. I'm going to call for help." House said noticing Foreman approaching with his sandwich.

House stood up and leaned out the doorway, "Foreman come quick."

Foreman ran over. Dropping House's sandwich on the desk he came to look at Thirteen who was lying on the floor. Her eyes fluttered open.

"She passed out, and it looks like she's spiked a fever. I'll admit her, you take her into an empty room." House yelled trying not to smile. Everything was going so well.

Foreman lifted her into his arms and House followed him to the elevator. Arriving downstairs, Foreman found an empty room while House started a chart.

"I'll take her temp." He said picking up a thermometer. He pushed it into Thirteen's mouth. 98.6 flashed a few moments later.

"101.1" House lied, quickly throwing the thermometer away. Foreman wrote it down, and alerted the nurses.

"How are you feeling?" Foreman asked Thirteen.

"Ehh," Thirteen grumbled. House looked over at her. Sure enough she was covered in hives as well as the fake mouth rash.

"I'll take blood, get the team back together for a differential and meet me in ten." House snapped. Foreman nodded and ran out. Thirteen looked up at House and smiled.

"Twenty bucks for some blood," House said reaching into his pocket. She stayed quiet for a moment contemplating the offer before nodding. He went through the drawers to get a needle and took two tubes.

"Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go taint these. The nurses will be in to do all that patient-y stuff that I'd be able to explain to you if I ever saw the patients. Anyhow, tell them you only want me to start you on a central line and do the catheter. Also they'll give you some corisol cream." House said.

"Sounds good," Thirteen nodded taking Houses money and slipping it into her pocket.

House smiled as he walked the blood up to the thankfully empty lab. After inserting the herpes virus, and throwing in some extra platelets, he headed to his office to see Kutner, Taub, and Foreman waiting. This was going to be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

"Twenty eight year old female fainted, presents with fever, rash, dehydration, and severe electrolyte imbalance," House read.

"Bulimia and fever," Foreman rolled his eyes. House mentally kicked himself. That pretty much would explain everything he did he had done to her blood and the lies he wrote in his chart.

"Healthy weight, unusual rash," House responded. Foreman looked at him oddly; probably surprised he'd read the chart.

"127lbs is healthy, but not if she weighed 150lbs a month ago." Foreman said.

"I think we would have noticed if Thirteen lost twenty pounds," House said hoping that would get them off the bulimia.

"What?" Kutner jumped up, "We need to go see her,"

"Treat her like any other patient," House said motioning for him to sit back down.

"There's an unusually high platelet count." Taub read off the chart.

"Write it," House said throwing Taub the marker. Foreman gave him a sideways look.

"You never let anyone touch the board." Foreman said flipping through the file.

"I'm eating," House rolled his eyes as he bit into his now room temperature sandwich. It had taken about three hours to get the files and the initial blood work ready for his differential. While, it'd taken about an hour for that, but then House's soap came on, so here they were three hours later.

"There's no urine." Kutner remarked.

"Kidney problem," Taub said as he wrote it on the board.

"Taub ultrasound her abdomen, Foreman go through her medical history, and Kutner go break into her house." House smiled at that one.

"Besides for the fever there's no signs that she picked up any bacterial infection." Kutner argues.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot we were ignoring the symptoms. In that case just sit on your ass." House said angrily as he watched Kutner scramble to his feet and leave. House sat for a moment before heading over to Thirteen's room to watch her work her magic on Taub.

He sat comfortably on the bench in the hallway. He was far enough away for Taub to not notice him, unless of course he was looking, yet close enough to see them kiss, if Thirteen was as good as she thought she was.

House watched closely. Too bad he didn't have audio. He'd make sure to get Kutner to do a full body scan so he could see and hear from the control room.

He watched as Taub awkwardly lifted her shirt and squeezed liquid onto her stomach. House chuckled to himself at how awkward Taub was around her. He had an affair, meaning he wasn't awkward with women, so by deduction Thirteen had to be flirting.

House watched as Taub finished up the test, revealing nothing abnormal, and headed towards the door. House rubbed his temples, she hadn't gotten a kiss, his plans were failing in front of his eyes.

Then House saw Taub freeze. He turned back towards her and checked her IV. So, she pulled the pain card. He was impressed. Then he saw her lips meet his before he pulled away and awkwardly left the room. House stood up and limped quickly to catch up with Taub.

"Show anything interesting?" House asked trying to keep the smile of his face.

"No abnormalities." Taub answered, his cheeks were flushed.

"Alright, is she stable?" house asked.

"Her vitals are as if she's not even suck." Taub answered.

"Fine then, it's getting late, go home we'll go over the new tests in the morning." House said. Taub nodded before walking off quickly.

House felt a vibration from his pocket. He picked up his phone.

"Her apartment is cleaner than the OR." Kutner spoke annoyed.

"Test her food." House responded.

"There's nothing other than cereal, milk, and bottled water." Kutner sighed. House smiled. This meant she didn't eat at home often. He always liked learning little things about her.

"Any sex toys?" House asked.

"She showed no signs of an STD. How is that relevant?" Kutner sounded annoyed.

"Did you?" House asked.

"No, I'm going home House. Put her on some diuretics to pee and the rest is the flu." Kutner answered.

"Fine," House said before slipping his phone back into his pocket. He'd have to get Kutner and Thirteen together tomorrow.

House walked towards the office to tell Foreman to go home. Maybe play a few games with him first.

"What'd you find?" House asked walking in.

"Well, its not her appendix, she had it out when she was ten." Foreman offered, "she had insomnia five years ago, and she broke her arm when she was seven."

"No appendix plus brittle bones plus insomnia," House mused.

"Equals nothing, House." Foreman shut the file and looked up at House angrily.

"Go home, I'll run a few tests, and we'll reconvene tomorrow," House said. Foreman dropped his glare and got up to leave. Shutting off the lights, House went downstairs towards Thirteen's hospital room.

He stopped at the vending machines to get another chocolate bar before heading back to his room. She smiled as he entered. She was sitting comfortable in the bed watching TV and eating vanilla pudding. House closed the blinds.

"Can you take the make up off my face, it kind of hurts?" Thirteen asked.

"Go ahead, just leave a few around the mouth." House said picking up her chart. Taking a pen out from his pocket he began changing the some of the stats around. The nurses had taken her temperature a few hours ago to reveal that it was normal. House erased the 98.6 and wrote in 102.1. He then wrote down abdominal pain and migraines under her symptoms, and for good measure added in vomiting.

"So what's my diagnosis?" Thirteen asked tossing her empty pudding can into the trash.

"Bulimic with the flu." House said raising his eyebrow.

"Oh, lovely." Remy laughed. House passed her a Hershey's bar from his pocket that she threw in a drawer next to the bed.

"First thing tomorrow, take another bite." He directed. She nodded, as she swung her legs out from under the covers, and disappeared into the bathroom.

"And try to act really sick tomorrow." He yelled to her. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV to the soap channel. She came out a moment later and gave him a frown.

"I can't believe I'm spending the night here." She laughed.

"Why did you agree to this?" House asked.

"Two days off, cash, and I was bored," she answered getting back under the covers, "I also do appreciate the good prank."

"You look nice in a hospital gown." House answered tossing her back the remote, "I have to go mess with Cuddy's office and Wilson's marijuana shipment. I'll say bye before I leave." House said opening the shades back up before he left.

Thirteen waved. House limped over to Cuddy's office. If she didn't hate him tomorrow for the pranks, she might actually be impressed that he'd managed to clock more hours than her today.

Making his way into her office he guessed her password in two tries and immediately changed her screensaver to lesbian porn. He then proceeded to take all the punctuation out of her slideshow and misspell Princeton on her initial slide. Just enough to embarrass her and make her look like an idiot, but not enough for her to have a legitimate reason to hate him.

Pulling up her email account, he began drafting a memo.

_As my testosterone shots increase daily, and my breast removal operation draws closer, I would like to extend an open invitation to all members of the hospital to grope_

House stopped writing. He couldn't make it blatantly obvious that the email was fake. Sure it would embarrass her, but it would be more embarrassing if the memo appeared real.

_Dear PPTH Staff,_

_For the week of April 1-7 I will be taking my annual vacation to Costa Rica, where I inoculate babies and swim topless. I wanted to inform you that Dr. Wilson should be consulted with any problems that you might usually go to me for, or if you just need to talk. You may also give your patients my private cell phone number so they can call at any time with questions. _

_Thanks,_

_Cuddles._

House smiled to himself. He hit send, and leaned back in Cuddy's chair. He was amused but still not satisfied. Opening up another email, he addressed it to Dr. Allison Cameron.

_Ally,_

_I wanted to speak to you about something very personal to me. I am tired of living a lie. I am not a lesbian, but I find myself attracted to your blond locks and firm ass. As I sat on the tree outside your window and watched you sleep last night I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be inside that bed with you. Inside that house, inside you. If you do not share my feelings, please never bring this up to my face for I will be too embarrassed to continue going on as your superior._

_Love,_

_Lisa _

House hit send and allowed him self to chuckle out loud. He deleted the messages from her sent box and smiled; he was proud of him self. He quickly attached a post it to her computer saying 'Come to my office – J. Wilson', and left.

Checking his watch, house noticed it was almost midnight. It was almost his favorite day of the year. Quickly he got headed back to Thirteen's room. Maybe she'd enjoy breaking into Wilson's office with him. She had to be bored after being cooped up all day in that bed.

Entering her room he shut the blinds again. She was sleeping. Tapping her shoulder, she stirred.

"I know you enjoyed ecstasy and cocaine after your death sentence, but did you ever try marijuana?" House asked.

"How is this medically relevant?" Thirteen asked groggily. House smiled at how her brain functioned so well even moments after being woken up.

"Oh come on," House muttered as he undid the brakes on her bed.

"I haven't touched it since my junior year of high school." She answered truthfully.

"Good, it's about time for a relapse." House said as he began wheeling her bed towards out of the room and towards the elevator.

"Just doing some tests." He said to the night nurse who gave him an odd look.

"I can walk, House." Thirteen muttered.

"This looks better, besides once were in the elevator you're wheeling me into Jimmy's office." House said pushing her slowly towards the elevator. His leg made this job fairly hard.

The elevator opened and House pushed the button to the diagnostics floor. He hopped on the bed, and Thirteen got down slowly.

"What's the plan?" Thirteen asked as she pushed the bed towards Wilson's office. Stopping in front of the door she pushed the bed against the wall. House got down, and opened the door to the unlocked office. Thirteen shut the door behind them

"We're going to make it look like Wilson's been digging into his own stock." House answered opening up the desk drawers and coming out with a bag of rolled joints. House smiled taking one out, and lighting it.

"The rooms going to reek for a few days." Thirteen said looking shocked that House would actually do this.

House passed the joint to Thirteen who took a long drag and passed it to him smiling.

"Vicodin and weed." House smiled as he inhaled, "what a great combination."

"We could get in so much trouble!" Thirteen said.

"Cuddy would never fire me, and I wont fire you. Besides its all in April Fools day spirit." House said pointing to the clock, which now read 12:07am.

As Thirteen took another drag, HHHouse quickly emptied out Wilson's paper clip holder for a makeshift ash tray. He took the joint back and pressed it against the plastic tray until it was no longer lit. He then left it there in the middle of the desk.

"You should sleep brilliantly tonight." House said smiling as they left the office together.

House wheeled Thirteen back into her room, and made her change into a gown that didn't reek of weed before going to sleep. He then dropped of her old gown in the laundry room and headed home to get some sleep before the day exploded in front of his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

House smiled as he entered the hospital. He knew today was going to be amazing; in fact, he had shown up on time today.

"I heard about Thirteen, is there anything I can do?" Cameron said coming up behind House. She was still wearing her normal clothing, meaning she hadn't made it to the locker room yet.

"She could use a sponge bath." House said jovially. Cameron rolled her eyes as she passed him heading for the locker room.

House got in the elevator and headed up towards his office. He saw Wilson waiting in there as well as the men of his team.

"House! Cuddy almost barged into my office this morning. Do you know how much trouble I could have been in? Those were for my patients!" Wilson began ranting. House caught Foreman smiling out of the corner of his eye.

"I don't know what you're talking about Jimmy. Have you been using the medical marijuana? You seem kind of stoned." House said touching his friend's shoulder.

"I-I should have known. I shouldn't have even come into work today. You're a child, House!" Wilson said slapping House's hand away and heading for the door.

"You do know that Thirteen's getting sicker?" He asked still angrily, "I stopped by her room. The chart says her fever's worse, her kidneys still aren't working, and you should see the rash."

"Well, if you'd stop smoking and get to work maybe I could diagnose her." House said as he headed over to the board and wrote out her symptoms.

Wilson didn't say anything as he walked out. House smiled. If Wilson had already visited Thirteen, then she had already made a move on him. His plans were unfolding nicely.

"She's not jaundiced." Kutner spoke up.

"You went to see her?" House asked angrily. Kutner gave him an odd look. House was just upset that he may have missed the kiss.

"I mean I didn't talk to her, so her eyes could have been, but I passed by her room on the way up here." Kutner mumbled.

"So it's an unusual presentation. She's been complaining of sever pain." House lied.

"Kutner go give her a full body scan." House said

"You thinking cancer?" Taub asked.

"I'm thinking a full body scan might help us out." House said pointing to his computer.

"Do my mail," House said.

"Foreman go test her blood for tropical diseases. She was in Cabo on her last vacation." House said trying to send him off to a dead end.

"Your telling me that there may be a needle in the haystack, so go sift through it?" Foreman raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," House nodded enthusiastically, "There's three vials of her blood in the lab already."

Foreman got up to go unknowingly test a 14 year-old girls blood who came in for a broken arm.

"House!" House looked over at the door. A very angry Cameron was standing there in oversized scrubs. Taub looked over and chuckled. Cameron glared until he stopped.

"Funny thing, there are no more small scrubs left in the locker rooms." Cameron said looking both angry and uncomfortable.

"Yes, Cuddy has banned them. If she cant fit her ass into smalls no one should be able to." House said.

"House!" Cameron yelled.

"Her words not mine." House said raising his hands.

"Cuddy's on vacation this week." Cameron said crossing her arms. House smiled. She'd believed the memo. It warmed his heart.

"Did she also ban Tampons and medical journals?" Cameron asked shifting from foot to foot angrily.

"Yup," House said. Taub gave them an odd look.

"House, give me my stuff back. This isn't even remotely funny." Cameron said. Her cheeks were turning red.

House saw Chase coming down the hallway. He smiled knowing Chase was done with his testicular cancer patient.

"So, I tried to lop a women's penis off today." Chase said coming into House's office. He looked much more amused than Cameron did.

"April Fools, very good." Chase said holding out a hand. House shook it. Chase smiled at Cameron.

"Hey, can you give us a second?" Cameron asked sweetly.

"Yeah, I was scheduled for a bowel resection anyway in fifteen." Chase said. House wondered how many it would take before he caught on that House had been scheduling them.

Chase leaned in for a kiss before he left, and Cameron touched her mouth to his. Chase's hands slid down to her waist before he pulled away abruptly.

"Are you-"

"Long story." She said cutting him off. House began to laugh out loud. Cameron was currently wearing over sized scrubs and a diaper.

"I get it." Chase said giving House another amused look before leaving.

Cameron stalked angrily past House and over to his desk. She went through his drawers before she found what she was looking for.

"I'm taking my stuff back." She said holding the bag of her belongings that House had taken from her locker.

"Fine, your no fun." House said still laughing as she stormed out of his office.

House rushed out of the office to the control room in front of where Kutner was giving Thirteen a full body scan. He hoped he hadn't missed it. This would be priceless.

He sat comfortably in the chair and watched the scene unfold in front of him.

"You think I have cancer?" Thirteen asked Kutner. House smiled, she really brought it home. She looked scared, like she was about to cry.

"House does. It doesn't really fit though." Kutner said trying to be supportive.

"But he thinks this is all just paraneoplastic syndrome?" Thirteen gulped, "He tends to be right."

"I'm sorry." Kutner said leaning over to remove her IV before pushing her into the machine.

"What if I die?" Thirteen said with a single tear falling down her cheek. House leaned forward in his char. This was almost better than _General Hospital_.

"I promise. We're doing everything we can." Kutner said wiping away her tear with his thumb. Thirteen tilted her face forward and kissed him on the lips. Kutner pulled back with a small smile.

"What is –are-" He began to mumble.

"Sorry, I'm just scared, and on drugs-" Thirteen began to ramble.

"I should go start the test." Kutner said pushing her into the machine. House got up and shuffled away from the control room as quickly as he could.

"Were you just in the control room?" Kutner's voice was mumbling nervously.

House turned around slowly. He'd been caught. He needed to play this off or the whole day could be ruined.

"I was," House turned around to meet Kutner with a large smile.

"Look she was scared and I-" Kutner mumbled again.

"You kissed Thirteen." House laughed.

"Please don't say anything." Kutner asked.

"Do my clinic duty next week." House ordered.

"Yeah, ok, perfect." Kutner nodded over enthusiastically.

"Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go make fun of you to Wilson." House turned and walked off. His performance was nothing compared to his female fellows, but it wasn't bad.

House heard Kutner sigh and go back towards the control room. He headed to visit his patient.

As he approached he saw Cuddy rush out of the room.

"Cuddles, how nice of you to visit my fellow." House said as he saw Cuddy freeze in the hallway. She glared at him. Her cheeks were flaming which could only mean one thing - one glorious thing. House mentally kicked himself for missing it.

"I need to go." Cuddy said scampering out. House watched her go and turned to see Cameron open mouthed behind him in the hallway.

"I heard Cuddy came out this week." House said to her. She didn't respond.

"Apparently she was rejected by the love of her life and had turned to Thirteen." House continued.

"I-I" Cameron started.

"What?" House asked innocently.

"I know you're behind this." Cameron said pointing a finger at him and slowly regaining her confidence.

"You really think I asked her to kiss Thirteen, she said yes, and I missed it?" House asked.

"Whatever this is, I know you've somehow orchestrated it." Cameron smirked as she walked off towards Cuddy's office. House sighed happily. He knew Cameron wasn't 100% sure who sent the email from Cuddy, and it was killing her.

Smiling, House entered Thirteen's room.

"She didn't even yell at me for the memos I sent out in her name, and I know she's heard about them by now." House mused.

Thirteen sat up in bed.

"Sorry, you missed my best performance yet." Thirteen smiled.

"How about a reenactment?" House asked.

"You also missed Chase." Thirteen said.

"Don't need to see that one. Wait, Wombat visited you?" House asked.

"Apparently someone sent him in here to do an enema?" Thirteen said shaking her head.

"Sorry," House shrugged.

"Anyhow, I convinced him it was a joke from you. Then I did my best, I'm stoned out on meds and gave him a kiss." Thirteen giggled.

"Oh, did he freak out because of Cameron?" House asked.

"He was surprisingly calm. Told me I was just high and probably wouldn't remember this. He said Cameron wouldn't really care, and then he got called out for another bowel resection. He looked slightly upset. Mentioned it was his fourth today." Thirteen laughed.

"Lovely, in that case it's time for the big reveal. I'm going to bring everyone to my office, tell then you coded twice, and then read from your blood work you have herpes." House smiled. He hadn't been this amused since he found out she was bisexual.

"Perfect, I think I'll walk in around then." Thirteen smiled back.

"See you in twenty minutes?" House asked. Thirteen nodded.

"We make a good team." She said before getting out of bed to put her regular clothes back on.


	4. Chapter 4

"House, you're ass will permanently live in the clinic for the next six months!"

House turned around to see an angry Cuddy headed towards him. He ignored her and entered his office where Taub was still sorting his mail.

"Page Kutner, Foreman, Wilson, Cameron, and Chase in here." House said to Foreman who simply nodded and left the room to send out a mass page.

"House, you cant just ignore me!" Cuddy said storming into his office.

"Shouldn't you be on vacation? I got your memo." House stated calmly.

"House that is so not funny. Did you not think Dr. Cameron would say something?" Cuddy raised her hands to her hips.

"Was it 'I love you too'?" House asked.

"She came in apologizing and explaining how she and Dr. Chase were together, when I remembered that today's you're favorite day of the year." Cuddy explained.

"Look, Cuddles. Now's not the time." House said as Taub came back into the office followed by Kutner and Foreman.

"Don't think you're getting away with this." Cuddy scowled.

"Look, Thirteen's getting worse. She coded about twenty minutes ago." House said with all the seriousness he could muster.

"Oh my god." Cuddy said taking a seat at the conference table. House nodded and motioned for his team to sit down too. Wilson showed up a moment later and joined the table. House went to his desk to get Thirteen's file.

"Chase, Cameron sit." House said seeing that the lasts of his party had arrived.

"Dr. Hadley coded, her kidneys are almost completely destroyed and she's taking more pain meds than I am." House started. He knew using her real name would really take this up a notch. They all looked up scared, "So I need you all to help with the differential."

"Should one of us be with her?" Cameron asked. House shook his head at her. Of course she would ask that.

"What do we know?" House asked the table.

"No tropical diseases." Foreman stated.

"Lets start at basics." House said.

"Twenty eight year old female." Kutner said. House wrote that at the top of the board. Then he opened her file that he had been holding. He tossed it to Foreman who flipped it open.

"Now she already has asthma which could explain the respiratory distress." House said writing asthma on the board.

"And herpes which explains the rash." Foreman read looking up in shock. House heard seven simultaneous gasps.

"What?" Cuddy stated loudly. Cameron put a hand to her lips, Kutner's mouth fell open, Taub stared down at the table as if it was his savior, Foreman looked like he had stopped breathing, Chase teared, and Wilson stood up.

"You" Wilson said pointing at House, "You've planned this entire thing."

"You should have seen your faces." House said nearly collapsing from his laughter.

"House, you wasted two days and thousands of dollars worth of medical tests for this! For a prank," Cuddy was livid.

Cameron actually smiled. She shared an amused look with Chase and Foreman. Of course, his old ducklings would appreciate his effort for this lovely prank.

House looked up at the door as he saw Thirteen walk in looking healthier than ever.

"What's up guys?" she asked with a smile, "Happy April Fools day." She was greeted with hugs from Cameron, Chase, Kutner, Foreman, and Taub. House gave her a high five and Cuddy stared angrily.

"You owe an additional one hundred unpaid hours of clinic duty this month." Cuddy yelled.

"Kutner, get to it!" House said pointing towards the door.

"No, no. You'll be doing it." Cuddy said angrily, "and you Dr. Hadley, I expected better."

"Sorry," she grinned sheepishly.

"You'll be joining House for an additional fifty unpaid hours this month." Cuddy said starting to calm down.

"What? Why?" Thirteen practically whined.

"Consider it your way of paying the hospital back for two nights in a single room, an ultra sound, multiple blood tests, and a full body scan." Cuddy said.

"Hugsies?" House said coming towards her with outreached arms.

"No House," she responded coldly.

"Come on, Cuddles. You have to admit it was pretty genius?" He tried again. She cracked a smile before shaking her head and leaving.

A beeping noise went off and everyone checked their beepers.

"It's me." Chase said holding up his arms, "another damn bow-" He stopped midword.

"What?" House asked as Chase glared at him.

"Tell the nurses that this will be my last bowel resection for the month." Chase said before walking out still grinning despite being slightly annoyed.

"I should go." Cameron said.

"Porn's not going to read itself after all." House quipped. Cameron shot his a glare before leaving.

"You've truly out done yourself." Wilson said patting House on the back before leaving House alone with his team.

"Time for an actual patient?" Thirteen asked.

"Time for all of us to go do clinic hours under my name. I figure if we go all week, we can knock out my hours by tax day." House said. He was met by a few groans, but they all followed him downstairs to the clinic.

Picking up a chart, House walked into exam room one. He looked around but there was no patient. The waiting room was packed so there was no way the room was just left empty. He flipped open the file confused.

_Paybacks a bitch _was written in large red letters across an empty white piece of paper. House rolled his eyes. There was no way anyone could get him the way he got everyone else.


End file.
